Thursday, May 14, 2009

Boy, can't I wait to go home

I woke up. From a dream. With tears coming out from my eyes. It was raining outside.

I remembered that day so well. It was raining too. I took a bus home from PGH. I remembered that I was gazing outside the window of the bus. I always took a window seat. From the TV was a voice of an awkward host. It was a Saturday and it was dark outside. Darker than how it should normally be.

Streams of water were cascading the big glass window. Tears started to stream down my cheeks.

Everything will be okay, I assured myself.

But then, was I sure?

I enter the room. Everyhting seems to be brighter. The light enters from the window, casting shadows inside the room and light upon her peaceful face.

I am bringing chocolate bars. One is Mars. It is her favorite. The other is M&M's. It ist'y her favorite but it is still chocolate. She will like it still.

Mama is asleep. There is a scar on her left eyelid. It is inflammed. So is her cheeks. Her chin is sunken. She is recovering from the operation. She is wearing her favorite violet daster.

I lay the chocolates beside her, next to her pillow. She is now aware of my movement. "Mama? Gising ka na?" Obviously, she is now awake.

I lay beside her and she hugs me, tight. Her hug is warm, comforting. Memories flash as I remember her saying "Baby boy ko" to little me while she snuggles me up when I was little.

I don't like hugs. So I sit and I get off the bed. Before I go, I kneel and I face her.

She gets her Mars. "Ano to?" She knows. It's Mars. I don't need to answer her. It's a rhetorical question. 

She holds my hands firmly as I hold hers. Hers are cold. I look her in her eyes. Tears start to fall down from my eyes."Ma, wag mo na kong iwan ulit ha?"

She nods. She struggles to sit.


She whispered "Oo". It was soft yet firm. So convincing. It was full of assurance. My cry became faster, warmer. It was uncomfortable. I have to show to her that I was okay. That everything was okay. That she was okay.

She was okay.

"Mama, magpapagaling ka di ba?"

"Oo" That was all that she said. She laid down again. She let go off my hands and then faced the ceiling. She grabbed her Mars and opened it. She said "Anak ko talaga." before she took a bite and nibbled it slowly. I cried even more. But I forced not to. I was covering my face. She didn't have to see me like this.

Then, I left her.

I'll see her home soon. I'll see you soon, Mama.

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